Today I write with lots of hope and excitement. I’m finally not just saying it, I feel it.

Why? All because of some acne. Weird right? All through my pregnancy I had horrible acne, I looked like a pubescent teen. After Zachary was born, it took a while, but it finally started going away and was more about managing what was already there instead of what was popping up. After the stress of the holidays, my acne calmed back down again and yesterday it came back. Not with vengeance of pregnancy acne, thankfully, but just a few little outbursts.

So why do I feel hopeful about that?! Well, it can only mean one thing… my body is truly regulating and cycle two is right around the corner!!! Of course we don’t want to actually start trying for baby #2 until I have 2-3 cycles (as recommended by our doctor) and we have had the appointment with our genetic counselor to make sure we know what (if anything) is going on and what happened to Zachary that we might need to manage for future pregnancies.  That appointment is tomorrow morning.

I am both excited and very nervous for what the autopsy results will give us. Possibly nothing and I think that would probably be a good thing - that it would mean it was a “fluke” (God I hate calling it that… nothing about Zachary was a “fluke”). We will have to wait and see.

Anyway, I am hopeful for what 2012 or 2013 could bring us… when I write it like that, it seems like it is forever away! But I am going to learn from my mistakes. I think last time my getting ready was too extreme and that blinded me to some potential signs of something going wrong. Obviously, if we want to get pregnant as soon as we are able per our doctor’s recommendations, my body won’t be in tip-top-shape.  That’s ok! Actually, I think this is better!

Yes, I’d like to build my strength and endurance back up, but I am not going to try and lose weight like I did. I thought my quick pregnancy gain was because my body didn’t have time to adjust to my “new” low weight so it was gaining back quicker. In the beginning, that may have been so, but at week 18-20 when I gained about 3.5 pounds per week, that should have been a big warning sign but instead I blamed it on travel eating and having lost so much weight previously.

So that said, I am going to start eating healthier again. Eating modified raw foods (which for me means I also will have some protein from eggs, cheese, or yogurt if I want) for breakfast and lunch now that I like veggies again (if you didn’t know, I couldn’t stand them for my short pregnancy).  I plan on running daily - three days accomplished so far this year! Although it’s pretty painful and I have a lot of work to do to build my endurance back up. The last two days I was able to run a half mile and then walk up the hill with a few huff and puff breaks. So realistically, I’d like to get to the 5k mark instead of the 10 miles I was at last summer, if possible - if not, then that will also be a good thing because it will mean not that I gave up, but that I am pregnant again. One thing I know for sure… no extreme working out when I get pregnant again. Just walking and pregnancy yoga. No Zumba this time… just in case.

We’ll see what happens. I’m leaving everything up to my body this time. No control freak here.

Every year since Tyler and I got engaged I’ve made a photobook on Shutterfly. A few weeks ago I created and ordered one for Zachary and yesterday I just finished and ordered our 2011 edition! I just found out that I can share these books online so I’ve decided to share them all starting with 2005! The only one you will not see below is my book for Zachary. I will gladly and proudly share that with anyone in person, especially since that was probably the book I’ve put the most energy, emotions and effort into making.

So take a trip down memory lane and enjoy our family memories!

Cheers, Happy New Year!

2012 is here. Yesterday left me with some mixed emotions glad that 2011 and all of it’s horror was over but also sad that I couldn’t go into 2012 with the same excitement as I would have.

Nonetheless, it’s now time for a fresh start, new hope, and lots of healing! The sun is actually shining very brightly and it is a pleasant 54 degrees here in Seattle so I can tell that it has to be a good 2012 because, let’s be honest, Seattle isn’t known for it’s sunny winter days. So Tyler and I geared up and started off on the right foot with a short run… very short… it was painful, but no pain no gain I suppose!

Last night Tyler and I went to a friends place for a small party.  We had tons of fun ringing in the new year with everyone! There was lots of good food, drink, conversation and amusing toddler/cat interaction. I’m very much looking forward to seeing a lot more of these ladies (and guys) in the new year!

I hope everyone has a wonderful new year!

All the girls

And almost all the guys (little Daniel crashed before the new year!)

This year has been busy. It has been good and it has been very bad. We’ve grown a year wiser and now each have a quarter of a century of life behind us. We’ve saved lives (foster kitties) and lost a life (our first born son). We’ve had happy moments of pure joy and tragic days of endless crying and sorrow. So here is my 2011 year in review.

January
I turned 25 years old and Tyler threw me my first surprise party and we went to our second annual Cozy Lane Cabin weekend with our friends. We also finished painting the nursery, which was then just called the “Yellow Room”, knowing in 2011 we were planning on starting our family.

February
We fostered lots of kittens and anticipated our vacation in March.

March
Tyler and his brothers released their first Windows Phone 7 game, Taptitude. Tyler and I took the longest real vacation of our lives.  We went on a 14 day cruise to Hawaii! Needless to say, it was the most relaxing yet eventful vacation to date.

April
Tyler turned 25 years old and I took a trip to LA for work.

May
I took a trip to Chicago and ran my first 5K.

June
I took a trip to New York, ran my second 5K, attended a friend’s wedding and Tyler and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary!

July
A very busy and life altering month! I’d go as far as to say it was the best month of the year. I got promoted, we spent the 4th of July holiday on vacation in Michigan, went camping with friends and I went to Colorado. Tyler and I also found out that we were expecting our first child!!!

August
Summer finally started and we could enjoy the patio furniture we recently purchased. We had lots of BBQs and enjoyed the tail end of my first trimester of pregnancy.

September
Tyler and I had a Labor Day Party where we announced our pregnancy news to friends and co-workers. Our youngest niece and nephew (twins!) were born. I also took a quick trip to Dallas.

October
I took yet another trip to New York, I felt the baby move for the first time and had more work travel that took me to Washington D.C. with a quick stop in Detroit to visit my family. In between all of that, we had the downstairs floors re-done and Tyler’s parents came out for a visit.

November
Hands down the very worst month of not only the year, but of our lives. The day we found out that our very loved and highly anticipated firstborn was a boy, we also found out he was not likely to survive. Two days later, we found out his heart was no longer beating and I gave birth to Zachary Conner early November 10, 2011.  Our parents came out to visit and a week later, we had a memorial party for our son.

December
It was very bittersweet, when we finished the nursery. We took a long vacation to Michigan to visit with family and friends for the holidays.

While I am still in a bit of a dark place, I am thankful for the experiences of 2011 and I certainly was forced to learn a lot about myself, my marriage and now I can only hope that 2012 brings us a year of healing and hope for a more joyful future.

I’ve been pretty light on the posting of actual content the last two weeks but now I am back home after a nice 15 days in Michigan visiting family and friends. We lucked out with the weather and there were no delays in any of our travel and actually, there was no snow in sight until the 14th day when we had to drive across state from Caledonia to West Bloomfield.  There were quite a few cars off the road, but our trusty little rental car stayed the course. But I am getting ahead of myself, let me take ya back for a play-by-play of our trip.

We flew out on a direct flight to Detroit on 12/13 and after the full day of travel, Tyler and I met up with my dad for dinner (my mom was out of town for work).  We caught up that night and then the next day, we went to breakfast with Nana before starting our first drive across the state to his parents house where we stayed for the first chunk of our trip. When we got there we were locked out of the house since we were a bit earlier than planned so we went to Katie’s parents house to hang with them for a bit.

That night Tyler and I went with Katie, Brandon and the kids to Suzi’s school for their children’s Christmas singing service. It was nice and Silent Night got the best of my emotions. I thought of Zachary a lot and tried hard not to cry. It didn’t work.

Friday we had professional family photos taken, but Nathan was missing because his flight from Seattle got canceled for some reason and he wouldn’t have made it in time then would have had to just fly back home, so he never made it to Michigan. The photos turned out well, but my heart just wasn’t in it and I didn’t like most of the images of myself. Someone was missing besides Nate. Nonetheless, we all had fun.  Carmen (my 3 month old niece) made a bit of a stink about getting her photo taken… that proved to be eventful and funny. I love my nieces and nephews! They make life fun and oh so eventful.

Almost all the Furts…

We actually got to help out and take care of Carmen overnight too! It was nice to give Katie and Brandon a little bit of a break since they were just in the room next door and Tyler and I loved it :) We snuggled right up with her in between us and I gladly woke up to feed her when she was hungry. I can’t imagine having to do it with two babies, but was so happy to have the chance to try taking overnight care of one!

Saturday the girls shopped and was relaxing and Saturday night was a blast. We did game night with the family and the drinks were flowing so everyone was a bit goofy.

Sunday the twins got baptized. I can’t believe I didn’t take a single photo of their cuteness in their white outfits, dang it. After the baptism, Tyler and I headed back to my parent’s side of the state to start our stay with them.  We got there in time for dinner and went to a movie afterwords.  We saw New Year’s Eve and it was pretty good with an awesome cast. We even ran into Jesse and Adam and made plans for lunch the next day. It ended up being a very long lunch which was wonderful.

Me, Tyler and Leigh

Leigh drove up from Chicago and arrived Monday evening.  She stayed till Wednesday and while she was there we did some Christmas shopping which was accompanied with my complaining (sorry to all who had to listen). We also had some good dinners with my parents. It was a fun visit and we vowed that next time we’d just fly into Chicago and drive up in the rental since we ended up having to do just that to get to Ty’s parents anyway… and it would be cheaper and easier to coordinate a visit with Leigh! So Leigh, you have that promise in writing now ;) Count on it and start planning for our visit in July.

Mom decorating cookies

Wednesday my mom, Tyler and I baked and decorated cookies and night my grandparents came to town.  They drove up from Florida! Jill also came over and she cut my hair and we caught up. We couldn’t believe that it had been two years since we saw each other.

Thursday morning my mom, grandma, Nana, Tyler and I went to breakfast.  Afterwords, Tyler and I hightailed it to the mall for our last minute shopping. Thank God we finished that day and wouldn’t have to step into another store for gifts any closer to Christmas. That night, Tyler and I went to Jesse’s new house and we hung out with Jesse, Adam, Brit and Amanda. It was good to catch up with them.

Friday was a rough day for me. We just lounged around getting ready for Christmas and I was kind of down about everything.

The whole family - Tyler, Me, Dad, Mom and James

Cousins - Jen, Kelly, Me and Tyler

Saturday was finally Christmas Eve and the day went fast.  We went to my aunt and uncle’s house as we always do and it was a good time.  It was nice seeing my cousins and aunts and uncles and as always, my Uncle Jeff’s famous “Winter Fun Slush” was a big hit and I was glad I could partake in drinking it. I’m sure if Zachary was still in my belly, he’d have still gotten a very very small taste because that stuff is too hard to deny! Anyway, we had fun playing games and watching gifts get opened. After the party, my mom, dad, grandparents, brother, Tyler and I went home to bed so Santa could come.

Tyler, Me, Grandma and Grandpa
with Zachary in spirit

Me, Nana and Tyler with
Zachary in spirit

At Miss Shirley’s - Tyler and
me with Miss Shirley

On Christmas day, Tyler and I gave our family some gifts and then we stopped to give Nana her gift and headed out to drive to Miss Shirley’s for his family Christmas party. We had lots of fun at Miss Shirley’s with all of Tyler’s family and it was nice to see everyone because we didn’t come to town last Christmas or see them during our summer trip. After Miss Shirley’s party, we went back to Tyler’s parent’s house and we played games before heading to bed for Santa to come for round two.

Marlee, Suzi, Carmen and Katie opening gifts

Monday, we celebrated Christmas again and Tyler and I were woken up by little Miss Marlee (our three year old niece) singing carols at our door.  She was anxious to open the presents that Santa had brought.  She was sure she heard the reindeer on the roof that night too!

Rogan was not thrilled to
be decorated

Carmen couldn’t wait for the sparkley bows!

Opening stockings and gifts took quite a while and a little bit of chaos with so many people and gifts and it was fun. It was also hard to think about how next year there will be one kid missing from the excitement. It took all of my might to pull myself away from those thoughts and just try and enjoy the day instead, but I missed Zachary a lot that day.

Nick and Sarah

After presents, the boys had friends, Kyle and James come over for some game activities and that night we had Christmas dinner and played more games.  Sarah and Nick left to drive back to Ann Arbor and it was nice to have gotten to see so much of them this trip!

Tuesday morning Tyler and I packed up the car and headed for our final trip across the state and this one was a white-knuckle kind of drive.  It was finally snowing. After 14 days of Seattle-like weather, we were getting our Michigan winter. Like I said earlier, we made it just fine and were even on time for our lunch with my girl friends, Alex, Brit, Amanda and Jesse. We had a leisurely lunch and then went to see Alex’s new house!

Jesse, Alex, Brit, Me and Amanda - Thanks Ty for being such a good photographer :)

Alex, Jesse, Me and Amanda in front of
Alex’s house

Tyler, Me, Erica and Dave at their new house

It was the last time I’d get to see my girly girls this trip so we said our goodbyes. That night after a nice dinner with my parents, Tyler and I went to visit Erica and Dave in their new house.  This year sure was a busy time for my friends and house buying and I am so happy for all of them - Jesse, Alex and Erica - now if we ever get sick of my parent’s house, we can go somewhere else ;) But I know we will never get sick of our parent’s house… it’s more likely that there wouldn’t be enough room for all the visitors that tend to come at the same time for the maximum visiting of family!

After visiting Erica and Dave, Tyler and I went back to my parents to hang out before going to bed and when we got there, they had a cake out and were lighting candles while singing “Happy Birthday”. One thing I always hated when I was little was having a birthday so close to Christmas, but now, it is actually really nice because we can celebrate when we are home for the holidays.  My mom had made her special banana cake and wrote on the plate “Ali… Rainbows… Stars… Love… and… Happy Birthdays”

Mom and me with her masterpiece

Daddy and daughter

Surprise!!! Even after talking about rainbow cakes during the trip, I was completely shocked!

Anyway, Wednesday was our last day in Michigan and it was pretty low key. Mom, dad, Tyler and I went to lunch with Nana and then the boys went home while mom and I took Nana grocery shopping and then helped put everything away at her apartment.  No easy task! It was nice to visit with Nan for the whole day, even though we didn’t get to see my brother, James, one last time. Finally, the time came for us to head to the airport and return the rental car.

Our flight was long and uneventful and we got home really late so we just went straight to bed. It felt good to be in our own bed in our own house and we slept like babies. The first full day home was kind of hard. I was brought back to reality with so many reminders of what has happened in the last two months. I had to unpack our suitcases which made our room a mess and prompted me to “clean up” or I guess move most of Zachary’s things that were scattered around. So I got all of our paperwork, ultrasound pictures, cards, coins and memory box from our dresser taken down to his room. I also decided to take his teddy bear and hospital blanket from our bed down to his crib. I left the blue knitted memory blanket to still sleep with though.  It was hard going through all of the papers that I neglected to look at since being discharged from the hospital.  I found a nice “grief folder” which has info on support services and how the grieving process works for most bereaved parents. I sat in his room and organized all the stuff and just cried for a while. I guess I needed to do it though so we can move on.

Yesterday night Tyler and I went to dim sum for dinner with Kari and then helped her pick-up and put together her new dinning room table and chairs.

Lu snuggled with Zachary’s bears

This morning, or rather over night, Lucifer (our cat) decided that it wasn’t time for Zachary’s bear to be down in the crib.  Apparently he went downstairs and into the crib (I didn’t realize he has been in the crib) and carried the bear up to our room.  What a sweet cat. He must smell Zachary on the bear or something… I don’t know, maybe Zachary and Lu do have some sort of connection. And while I was writing this post in bed all day (yes this post literally took all day to write and, no, I did not get out of bed all day), he brought up one of Zachary’s other bears that is blue and is much bigger and has a shirt that says “Alive in our Hearts”.

Now, I do need to get up since Tyler just got home from work and we are going to go to dinner with Tony and Jess.  So. I am all caught up and am ready for a new year.

Feel free to check out my pictures from over the holidays on Facebook (the link may not work if you are not my official friend - I think).

I’m in a mood - I’ve been there all day but finally am acknowledging it. A grinchy, feel sorry for myself, want to cry, mad at the world type of mood. And I don’t know where it came from or why - there is no particular reason.

So what do I do? I just have to remove myself. On top of my erratic emotions right now, I’m sick. I’m stuffed up, my nose is raw, my head is clogged and to top it off I still have cramps. So it doesn’t help get me in the “Christmas Spirit” when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry - again, for no particular reason. I shouldn’t be feeling this awful on Christmas Eve Eve!

I am excited to see my family and be with family but I’m starting to feel more alone than I should with everyone around and it leaves me puzzled. How can I feel so alone with everyone around me?

We’ve all done it, many wishes have been made on various stars up in the heavens. Now though, we can make a wish on a very special star, Zachary’s star.

I clearly wrote my Many Thanks post a day too soon because my friend, Leigh, did something amazing.  Besides driving up from Chicago for a fun visit while we are in Michigan, she named a star for us for Christmas. The ultimate gift for a star lover (if you don’t know me, I kind of have a thing for stars and it’s no secret).

So now on a clear day we can be anywhere in the world and look up and see Zachary’s star right inside Ursa Minor, known as “Little Bear” or the “Little Dipper”, and think of him. Even better, maybe we will go to Zachary’s bench at night and look at his star - a double dose of Zachary.  This little boy of ours definitely won’t be forgotten :)

Thank you Leigh, this is so amazing. Tyler and I will search for Zachary on the next clear night and I have a feeling many others will look into the sky trying to find our son up in the starry heavens!

The map of Zachary’s star - see the red circled star

I’ve been wanting to write this post for a while now.  With the holidays though, it never seemed like a right time. But oh well, it’s being written and posted anyway no matter if the timing isn’t right. Let’s face it, timing wasn’t right this last month and a half.

Anyway, we’ve gone through a lot over the last several weeks and we could not have gotten through it without the amazing support of so many people.  We have received flowers, chocolates, cookies, fruit arrangements, teddy bears, necklaces, bracelets, memory coins, charity donations, cards, emails, texts, calls, Facebook comments, blog comments, thoughts, prayers, you name it, we got it.  While all of those were each very meaningful there were a few things that truly amazed us.

I work for an amazing company, that I already knew. But I had no idea how amazing until this. Besides being extremely supportive as I went on a very abrupt leave of absence, at Zachary’s memorial party a lot of my co-workers were there to support us and additionally, we were presented with an amazing gift. If you do not know, I am known as the crazy cat lady in our group. Not because I am a stereotypical “cat lady”, but because Tyler and I foster cats for the Seattle Humane Society. So, what did my co-workers do? They got an amazing donation together in Zachary’s memory for the Seattle Humane foster program. I couldn’t have been more thrilled. My co-workers probably didn’t even know how much Zachary would have loved that. How and why do I know that? Well, Zachary had a very early love for cats, he kicked up a storm when Lucifer would lay by me purring. So because of this wonderful memory I have with Zachary and the donation to Seattle Humane, I am very thankful. Thank you to each person who helped donate, you are awesome!

We have amazing friends and family, that too I already knew. I also knew that my sister-in-law, Katie, is amazing and is an inspiration but what amazes me most is her ability to think of everything - and I mean everything. I don’t remember if I mentioned yet that our day with Zachary wouldn’t have been quite as memorable without her. She dropped everything to come to the hospital before (and after) Zachary’s birth and told us about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep and she brought up the possibility of baptism (which we did) and after that one special day, she instantly started orchestrating donations from our family and friends to have a bench placed at a local park that we frequent in honor and memory of Zachary.  We will have a physical place to go and remember our son and for that, I am so very grateful. So thank you to Katie and to everyone of our family and friends who helped make that donation possible.

We have amazing parents, and again, we knew that long ago. Our parents came out to visit and comfort us when we needed them.  They took time out of their lives and busy schedules to drop everything and fly across the country to us, their babies. They cleaned our house, bought us groceries, cooked and helped with normal tasks that we just couldn’t find the time and energy to do. Most of all, they were there to celebrate and mourn with us for the grandbaby that would no longer be here on earth.

So many other thanks could be said individually, but just know that Tyler and I are forever grateful to have such amazing people in our lives.

Now we are lucky enough to be able to visit with our friends and family in Michigan for the holiday. It’s very strange knowing that Zachary’s memory could have been just pushed under a rug since most of our friends and family here didn’t even get a chance to see me pregnant - so easily out of sight, out of mind, but not mine and clearly not anyone else’s as was demonstrated by all of the many notes of sympathy. So with that, thank you to everyone for remembering Zachary and caring about his short little life inside of me.

I spent a lot of time these last few weeks putting a photobook together. It was hard. It was emotional. And quite frankly, I was not ready to “be done” with it. However, I did want to get it done before Tyler and I went back to Michigan to visit family and friends for the holidays.

I am happy to say that it is finished and is now in my hands! I was smart enough to have it delivered to my parent’s house so that it would not arrive at home while we were not able to see it. It arrived the same day we did.

The book is 20 pages of our amazing memories starting July 12th when we found out we were expecting all the way to Zachary’s memorial party. The memories are so special and I am so very glad we have the professional pictures as well as all of the raw photos taken with our camera by the nurse during all of our special and very intimate moments.

I wouldn’t trade these photos for the world. It is the only proof that Zachary exists and was here with us for that one special day. If any family and friends want to see this book, let me know.  I won’t be flaunting it around but I am more than happy to share the book and Zachary’s memory with anyone interested.

The quote above:
You never said you were leaving,
you never said goodbye.
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knew why.
A million times I needed you,
a million times I’ve cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
you never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly,
in death I love you still.
In my heart, you hold a place
no one could ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you,
but you didn’t go alone.
For part of me went with you,
the day God took you home.
~Author Unknown